A Critical Thinking Campout

Lately I have heard a few people lamenting the recent scandal and exposure of the Man vs. Wild show deceiving its viewers. I personally don’t understand why everyone is so stunned by this revelation. Here’s why:

1. It’s REALITY television. Hello??? Reality television is about as far from the truth as you can get. From watching my friends, the Allison family from Starkville, film “Wife Swap”, I saw that the producers of reality television shows will go to great lengths to create illusions about the show’s subject(s) to attract viewers. Do you think that on Survivor they really go a month without eating anything but pineapples and nuts? There are cameramen on site who film the show. They gotta eat lunch, too, and I’m pretty sure it’s closer to McRealFood than what they portray. Ever wondered why they don’t show where the contestants use the bathroom? One word: Port-a-john. (Or should it be 3 hyphenated words?) Don’t get me wrong. I love Survivor, but I know that it is a show where they choose a cast to play roles. Just listen to them talk. It definitely sounds rehearsed. Now, if only they'd let the women shave. Anyway, “reality” television can’t be trusted. It’s sinking sand, folks. Sinking sand.
2. The host of Man vs. Wild is clearly crazy. For starters, his name is Bear. We could spend quite some time on that one alone. Sure, you’ve heard that he is a Christian and a family man; however, the man VOLUNTARILY drinks his own urine!! Christian or not, there are some real issues there that need to be identified and dealt with. Sick. His own urine. Seriously. Also, the show’s premise is unrealistic. Yeah, the next time I go camping in Iceland, I’ll let you know how it felt to gouge out a sheep’s eye and boil it on my shoelace in a hot spring for dinner! C’mon! The most extensive camping trips that occur around here are to Alabama somewhere or hiking the AT. Let me know how your next ordinary weekend adventure goes in Antarctica and how the frozen, raw penguin wing tastes when you gnaw on it VOLUNTARILY for a light afternoon snack. Sure, Bear gets a nice paycheck for holing himself in a makeshift snow cave for the night, but why would anyone endure all of this self-torture for a buck…or lots of them?? It’s just plain silliness. With, perhaps, a dollop of lunacy.

I’ll tell you a good place to test the skills you have learned from this educational TV show: the Buffalo Park in Tupelo, MS. That’s right. It’s less than a mile from my house, and it houses buffalo (obviously), zebra, birds, monkeys, and probably a giraffe or two. You just buy a ticket and spend the whole day there. So, after you have snapped a bird’s neck and roasted it over a flint fire for lunch and ventured into a dark cave with your burning lard flashlight for a trickle of fresh water…all of this done, of course, VOLUNTARILY, you can come spend the night at my house in a clean, well air conditioned place with your very own guest room, shower, and toilet….just like good ole Bear does when the cameras turn off.

Before my soapbox crumbles beneath me, I have a “disbelief addition.” I don’t believe in double dipping. For instance, sharing chips and dip at the Mexican restaurant. I might as well kiss everyone in my dinner party on the mouth as soon as I walk into the restaurant to get the fellowship started…which is obviously the attractiveness of the whole chips and dip affair. You chat each other up while sharing “free” chips and salsa before you order. Oh yes, my friends, it’s a social ploy on behalf of the restaurant owners. They’re not fooling me one bit. Most Mexican restaurants actually have gotten better about giving individual bowls for the dip. However, just to prove to you how strong my convictions are against double dipping, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I don’t even double dip in my own personal salsa bowl. Now that’s loyalty.