Southern UNhospitality

Pete, his wife Becky, and little Noelle

One of my coworkers moved here from Maryland about 2 years ago. His name is Pete. Pete is married and has a daughter named Noelle who is a toddler, and his wife Becky is having another daughter in about 4 months.

Yesterday, Pete and his family went for a delightful stroll in his Saltillo, MS (a town north of Tupelo), neighborhood. It was sunny, the air was fresh, and they wanted to spend some quality time together enjoying God's creation.

Lo and behold (in my most southern drawl), a dog ran out of its "fenced-in" yard and bit little Noelle on the back of the leg. Can you believe that? Pete took Noelle home, took a picture of the wound, and took his camera to the dog's owner to warn her -- politely, mind you -- about her dog.

The owner got feisty, so Pete pushed the 'RECORD' button on his camera. After a terrible experience with this uncivilized excuse for a lady, who I'm ashamed to call a Mississippian, Pete created the following video. True story.

As you will see in the video below, the lady goes berserk. You may be shocked to see a human behave this way, but not after you see her shirt...



Nuff said.

The best invention EV-ER

Today I overheard a guy at work say, "I think the taser is the best invention ever made."

(Note: a taser is a stun gun that fires electrical darts to immobilize a person. Got that from Meriam Webster.)

If I questioned him about this statement, I think the conversation would go something like this:

Me - Really? The taser? Hmm. What about, say, electricity?
Him - No.
Me - Ok, how about the cotton gin?
Him - Nope. The taser.
Me - You're sure about that? Not the printing press? You know, printing billions of copies of the Bible and all.
Him - No siree. Hands down -- the taser.
Me - What about indoor plumbing?
Him - Uh uh.
Me - Water filtration systems?
Him - Wrong. I told you, the taser is the best invention ever.
Me - Toaster oven? Disposable diapers? The SWIVEL SWEEPER?
Him - What? Fie! It's the taser.
Me - Ok, hear me out. How about the Internet?
Him - Taser.
Me - Electric can opener?
Him - Taser, for sure.
Me - How about guns?
Him - Eh, well...maybe...nah, the taser.
Me - Ok, ok, I got it. Central heating and cooling, right?
Him - Nope. I already told you! The taser!
Me - What about giant, economy-sized packages of toilet paper and frozen foods that can be purchased at Sam's club?
Him - Not happening. Sticking with the taser.
Me - Modern medicine? I mean, c'mon, dude.
Him - Sorry. Taser all the way.
Me - Dental hygiene?
Him - Taser.
Me - Irrigation?
Him - No. No. No.
Me - Alright, alright. Are you ready for this? MREs?
Him - What's an MRE?
Me - Meals ready to eat. Like they have in the military.
Him - Oh, heavens no.
Me - Meteorology and storm tracking?
Him - Nope.
Me - Outer space studies? Cancer research?
Him - No way.
Me - You Tube? Ebonics? The Urban dictionary?
Him - Homey, please. (You're right. He wouldn't say that.)
Me - Vaccines? Non-invasive surgery? The epidural?
Him - Good try, but no.
Me - Not even Catch Phrase? (The game, of course.)
Him - For the last time, it's the taser. Ok? The taser is the best invention ever.
Me - Ok, just making sure.

I'm white

Yes, I know -- stating the obvious. You may have heard of a web site called StuffWhitePeopleLike.com. It basically makes fun of white people, and Kurt and I really enjoy reading it...because we pretty much get pegged every time.

Below is one example...of me. However, I don't think I'll change. I don't really want to, and I don't think I can. I will always be the Grammar Nazi. I even edited the article below to make sure it was right. (I hope you don't find any errors now...) I also added personal commentary in red!

Grammar

May 12, 2008

White people love rules. It explains why they get so upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously, and why they become lawyers. But, without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others. (Just ask Kurt!)

When asking someone about his or her biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices. I’m not sure, but it’s definitely one of the two.” (It's the their/there mistake.)

If you wish to gain the respect of a white person, it’s probably a good idea that you find an obscure and debated grammar rule such as the “Oxford Comma” and take a firm stance on what you believe is correct. This is seen as more productive and forward-thinking than simply stating your anger at the improper use of "it’s."

Another important thing to know is that, when white people read magazines and books, they are always looking for grammar and spelling mistakes. (Don't forget emails and text messages.) In fact, one of the greatest joys a white person can experience is to catch a grammar mistake in a major publication. Finding one allows a white person to believe that he or she is better than the writer and the publication, since they would have caught the mistake (Harry Potter series). The more respected the publication, the greater the thrill (Bible?). If a white person were to catch a mistake in The New Yorker, it would be a sufficient reason for a large party.

Though they reserve the harshest judgment for professionals, do not assume that white people will cast a blind eye to your grammar mistakes in email and official documents. They will judge you and make a general assessment about your intelligence after the first infraction. Fortunately, this situation can be improved if you ask a white person to proofread your work before you send it out. (The writer of this funny little ditty should've gotten it proofread before he published it. Just sayin'.) “Hey Jill, I’m sorry to do this, but I have a business degree, and I’m a terrible writer. Can you look this over for me?” This deft maneuver will allow the white person to feel as though his or her liberal arts degree has a purpose and allow you to do something more interesting. (I would be offended, but I'm a professional editor.)

Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread. (True statement.)