The thorn in my thistle

Below is a contribution I wrote for my aunt's website: DeludedDiva.com. Check it out. She updates it a few times a day, and it is fabulously entertaining and enjoyable. Read my post below.

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I am a yard work virgin. Well, not exactly a virgin…I’ve mowed the lawn before…3 times. Ok, 2 and-a-half.

My husband and I moved to his hometown of Tupelo almost a year ago and bought our first house. We are still learning the ins and outs of keeping up the homestead, including the yard. Our yard is not huge by any means, but it’s sizeable…especially for two people who don’t do yard work. My husband hates it. He has a dad that he could never please when it came to mowing the lawn, so he doesn’t have much experience. And I just never mowed lawns growing up. Too dainty, I guess.

Anyway, upon arrival in Tupelo, we took inventory of our equipment or lack thereof: no mower. A friend of Kurt’s dad graciously gave us one. FREE! (The best kind.) However, we got what we paid for. It was also old. It is not self-propelled, and you can’t adjust the height any. Well, as newcomers to yard maintenance, we aren’t concerned with having a stellar yard just yet, so we were more than thankful to settle for this old, free lawn mower. It worked well the first handful of times we used it, but it started to show its age quickly after that. It mows fine on a flat surface, a.k.a, the front yard. However, our back yard has a pretty severe slope, and the engine immediately dies on the hill.

But I think what finally killed the mower for good are the thistles in our yard. Like I said, we aren’t “yard people,” so we didn’t really notice the weeds taking over our lawn. One day I decided it looked pretty bad and needed mowing, so off I went. I wanted to surprise Kurt when he got home from work because I know he hates mowing.

There I am mowing along, pushing the mower over the weeds (some fairly tall) and something wet hits my face. I think to myself, “Did someone just spit on me?” I look around; no one is there. Then I think the worst and look above me for a bird flying overhead. Nope. Empty sky. Then I notice that my leg is wet, too.

Then I realized: the thistle I just ran over exploded on me! I was immediately afraid that I’d have some kind of fungus or plant disease spreading through my system, but I kept mowing. My husband came home and relieved me of the mowing and finished the yard. The same thing happened to him: thistle juice to the face! So, we decided to call a local lawn care company and get a few weed treatments lined up before our yard became one big, angry thistle that spits on all passersby.

Soon our yard will be thistle free and much easier to mow. Now, if we can only get someone else to give us a mower upgrade for free. Any takers?

Whew!

I still don't trust her, but Gomer's injury was not as bad as it could have been...I guess. (See below post.) Dr. Mechanic said her brake belt came off...or something...and he put it back on...or something. I stopped listening when he said it would only cost $40.00 to repair, and I started dancing in the street! Just kidding. Only in my mind. Let's see how long she can go without any more ailments. Maybe I need to put a "Faithful Gomer" ticker on my blog like others do for their children's ages. It's a thought, but I'd probably have to reset it monthly. Why bother?

She's at it again

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Gomer update:

Gomer's brake "warning light" came on last week. I thought she was kidding around because she has done this before. I was confused in thinking that she thought her emergency brake was on when it wasn't. However, she, as usual, is not joking. This morning I took her to the emergency room to Dr. Mechanic. Since last week, each time I try to slow down or stop Gomer, I have to push the pedal all the way to the floor. This cannot be good. Dr. Mechanic said he will X-ray her and let me know what treatment is necessary. More to come...

Meet Gomer

Sure, she looks like a nice Christian lady here. But, don't let her fool you. Gomer is the trifling, unfaithful, adulterous woman in my life -- otherwise known as my car.

My car was born in 2001. I got my car when I graduated from high school in 2002, so my car was one year old when I got her. She is now 7 years old (I've had her for 6 years...just in case you can't do the math), and she has 75,000 miles on her. Not bad, huh? You'd think.

Until January of 2007, her name was Malibuyah (a combination of malibu and booyah to describe her awesomeness). We had so much fun together. It seemed like she'd never let me down...friends forever!

However, almost a year-and-a-half ago, Malibuyah decided she wanted a makeover. Her back left tire had a continual slow leak, and she quit on me one day on my way to the mall in Jackson with my buddy Kathryn. Malibuyah started blowing smoke and breathing fire. I was genuinely concerned for her health, so I took her to the doctor. I thought she might have a cold and need to take it easy and drink some fluids. Not so. The doctor (Dr. Mechanic) said she needed a new head gasket. Boom. $1,100. She couldn't wait until after Kurt graduated from seminary to have that procedure done . She wanted it right then -- on a single income budget. She then got a plug in her tire for $80. I couldn't afford to get her a new tire (cosmetic) after she just had expensive major surgery.

After that, she seemed normal again for a while, but my trust in her was definitely shaken. When would she turn on me again? At what point would she decide she needed more surgery? I'll tell you at what point -- right after we moved to Tupelo. She quit on me again. I thought I had simply run out of gas, but my "E" light had just turned on, and I was on my way to the gas station. Diagnosis: new alternator. New alternator! "Malibuyah," I asked her, "what's wrong with your current alternator?" Who knows...she wanted a new one. Also, new battery, new brake pads, new tires. About another $1,000 total.

After this $2,000 makeover in less than 2 years, my confidence in my friend, my faultless companion throughout college and early marriage, had completely failed. Thus, I changed her name to Gomer.

She is no longer Malibuyah because she is no longer awesome. She is unfaithful and untrustworthy. I thought I might name her Israel because of their repeated unfaithfulness to God in the Old Testament. But that is 1.) a boy name and 2.) not specific enough. I chose to rename her Gomer, the adulterous wife of Hosea. No matter how faithful Hosea was to her, no matter how he sought after her and cared tenderly for her, she remained unfaithful to him. I don't deserve the nickname Hosea, even though I am comparing myself to him in this situation. (Hosea prefigures Christ, and I am nowhere near the faithful believer he was). But you absolutely can call my car Gomer.

Sadly, she will not be graciously redeemed as Gomer eventually is by Hosea and as God's people are through Jesus Christ. I will never trust her again. I will tolerate her for a few more years (if she lasts that long, the trifling you-know-what) and then bid her a long-awaited adieu.

Molectomy

Today my grandfather, who has been a doctor for almost 60 years (that's right - SIXTY) removed 2 of my moles. One mole was under my right arm and the other was right under my left collarbone. They are actually still there because he froze them off. Ever experienced that? It stings, burns, and causes your skin to sink in before it comes back out. Eventually the moles will peel off or some crap like that. I'm thankful to have a doctor in the family who is readily available to help me and who also loves me as his daughter.


If I haven't said so before, my grandparents have been the most important people in my life for the last 15 years. (I added Kurt 3 years ago). If you have ever heard my Christian testimony, Tom and Martha Braddock play a LARGE part in it. (And probably for this girl, too.) I find it hard to believe that I could ever love anyone more than them (besides Kurt). If I go on anymore, I might weep tears of thankfulness on my computer, and Kurt would not be happy if I flooded my Mac.

I know this entry doesn't feature any dry wit or forced humor, but I had to get emotional for a bit. I LOVE MY GRANDPARENTS!!!!!!!! Peace out, moles.

Me oh My!

The other night I was doing laundry and Kurt was playing Halo 3 on his XBOX 360 in the other room. I'm sure this playa was involved somehow. Anyway, I heard Kurt say "If someone doesn't laser that warthog, I'm going to be so mad!" I just died laughing at my own ignorance. I had no idea what he meant, and I never thought I'd hear a sentence like that. Apparently someone must've lasered the warthog because Kurt was in a great mood the rest of the evening. Sam, if it was you, thanks brother.

Laura T tagged me to play a "get to know you" game. I don't normally do these, but I really like Laura T. We have a TCBY bond that's practically unbreakable. She promised me that she'd sleep outside Cool Scoops in Starkville every Friday night for the next 6 years or until they bring back TCBY.

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people, posts their names, and then leaves a comment on their blogs, letting them know they've been tagged. Here goes...

-What was I doing 5 years ago? I was completing my freshman year of college at MSU...I think I had mono at this time 5 years ago. Blah.

-Five things on my to-do list today (or things I did today):
1. Go to work
2. Go to lunch with Kurt
3. Go home and change clothes before church
4. Go to church & visit with Emory and Ginger in the nursery
5. Go to bed

(I should've filled out this questionnaire tomorrow. Kurt and I are getting our wills written, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm going to a wine tasting with my mother-in-law. Big day!)

-Five snacks I love:
1. Cheddar pretzels
2. Cheese Nips
3. Cookies
4. Chips
5. Candy

(Ya know, just regular snack food!)

-Five things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Travel EVERYWHERE!
2. Get treatment/surgery for my fallen arches (poor feet)!
3. Never clean again!
4. Buy all my clothes from JCrew at full price!
5. Give lots of money to Christian organizations and charities!

-Five bad habits I have:
1. Being late (worst one)
2. Worrying
3. Not exercising
4. Cursing
5. Being a control freak

-Five places I have lived:
1. West Point, MS
2. Starkville, MS
3. Jackson, MS (worst place)
4. Tupelo, MS
5. The beach (I live here in my mind at all times.)

-Five jobs I've had:
1. Legal Clerk - West Point, MS
2. Technical Writing Tutor - Engineering Dept., MSU
3. Executive Assistant - Jackson, MS
4. Assistant Editor - Tupelo, MS
5. Newswriter/Editor - Tupelo, MS

-Five people I want to fill this out:
1. Ginger
2. Sarah
3. Anna
4. Becca
5. Laura

The Bird is the Word

Last week on Thursday, I arrived at work at 8:00 in the morning. (I have a slight tendency to be late, but this entry will not cover that topic). My boss had not yet arrived. I was sitting at my desk checking my email alone in the office when I heard a bang and a rustling noise outside my window. The sound startled me. (Side note: I am easily startled and I HATE getting startled.) I looked around the office and out my window and saw no one. I knew my boss would be arriving soon, so I needn't fear. Right? Wrong. My boss didn't arrive for another 2 hours. However, the noise continued. I finally figured out it was an apparently angry robin that kept banging into our glass door and sliding down it. It kept perching itself on top of the door hinge outside and, as I came to notice, crapping a LOT. Then it would fly away and come back with full force into the window and slide down, smearing the poo all over the glass.

We have windows both beside and above our glass door at work. The windows above the door have a mirror-like sealant on them. I came to conclude that the robin was having a war with his reflection because he was pecking the window incessantly.

Before I realized that's all he was doing, I was scared. I thought he saw me walk in the office, got offended somehow, and was trying to peck the door down to get inside and claw my eyes out. Here are a few chats I had with friends throughout the morning as I avoided going near the door for fear of the bird:

Me: a bird is trying to get into this office and it's freaking me out
it keeps flying into the top of our door
i'm scared
Kelly: lol
Me: it just flapped its wings up and down the door and flew into it a bunch
the bird just saw me
Kelly: lol
Me: sorry to keep bringing it up, but this bird is pissed
Kelly: no i think it's really really funny
Me: it's a really pretty bird
but it's angry
here it comes again
Kelly: lol
whats it doing now?
Me: it just flew up to the perch again

Me: oh, and there's a bird that's trying to get in this office and kill me.
Anna: oh man..look out for killer birds
Me: it keeps flying into the door and flapping its wings on it
Anna: haha
Me: it flies up to the top and sits there, and then goes crazy on the door as it flies down
i think it saw me a minute ago

Me: there are like a zillion birds circling the street outside my office
maybe it's a plague
i'm really scared
the bird was not swayed by the other visitors
it's still outside
just flew directly into the door
Anna: weird!
i don’t get it
maybe something died in your office building

Me: Bird not giving up
Anna: haha..i love the play by play

Me: Bird still here. more aggressive
Anna: so weird! What does that little fella think he's doing?

I also called Kurt to tell him about how afraid I was! He ended up coming to see me, but he brought no weapon to my aid.

Ok, so that was Thursday. Friday, it was still there. Same psychotic activity again. The weekend passed. Yesterday: STILL there! So, my boss asked me to find a way to get rid of it. (As if I hadn't wondered what, besides Kurt's BB gun, would shoo away this pest!) I decided to Google "How to get rid of annoying bird." I found some hilarious results :

* For the past 2 years I have had a mockingbird attacking my truck mirrors and glass. He/she also attacks the house windows. Now all that would be okay but he/she will poop and use it's wings to smear the poop all over the mirrors as well as the truck and home windows. I have tried fake owls and even a dead one, no good. Pie pans and various blowing things...no good. Short of shooting him/her, I think you will just have to live with the pest until it dies of old age in about 15 years.

* Throw something at it.

* Sling shot - no but seriously just find the tree with the nest in it during the day and knock it down. It'll probably go away.

* No seriously a pellet gun.

* Buy a cat?

* A pellet gun would be more accurate, but be careful. A lot of towns these days have made air rifles illegal. Shoot it out the window. Seriously! Why go through the discomfort of ear plugs? No one will see you shoot the darn thing. Shoot it and bury it in your garden. It's the circle of life.

* That bird is taking revenge until it dies or you move.

I'm inclined to believe the last one is true because that freak was back again this morning. I wonder if you have experienced such annoyance from one of God's creatures. Any tips on blotting out it's existence from my life without intentionally killing it?