I'm white

Yes, I know -- stating the obvious. You may have heard of a web site called StuffWhitePeopleLike.com. It basically makes fun of white people, and Kurt and I really enjoy reading it...because we pretty much get pegged every time.

Below is one example...of me. However, I don't think I'll change. I don't really want to, and I don't think I can. I will always be the Grammar Nazi. I even edited the article below to make sure it was right. (I hope you don't find any errors now...) I also added personal commentary in red!

Grammar

May 12, 2008

White people love rules. It explains why they get so upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously, and why they become lawyers. But, without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others. (Just ask Kurt!)

When asking someone about his or her biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices. I’m not sure, but it’s definitely one of the two.” (It's the their/there mistake.)

If you wish to gain the respect of a white person, it’s probably a good idea that you find an obscure and debated grammar rule such as the “Oxford Comma” and take a firm stance on what you believe is correct. This is seen as more productive and forward-thinking than simply stating your anger at the improper use of "it’s."

Another important thing to know is that, when white people read magazines and books, they are always looking for grammar and spelling mistakes. (Don't forget emails and text messages.) In fact, one of the greatest joys a white person can experience is to catch a grammar mistake in a major publication. Finding one allows a white person to believe that he or she is better than the writer and the publication, since they would have caught the mistake (Harry Potter series). The more respected the publication, the greater the thrill (Bible?). If a white person were to catch a mistake in The New Yorker, it would be a sufficient reason for a large party.

Though they reserve the harshest judgment for professionals, do not assume that white people will cast a blind eye to your grammar mistakes in email and official documents. They will judge you and make a general assessment about your intelligence after the first infraction. Fortunately, this situation can be improved if you ask a white person to proofread your work before you send it out. (The writer of this funny little ditty should've gotten it proofread before he published it. Just sayin'.) “Hey Jill, I’m sorry to do this, but I have a business degree, and I’m a terrible writer. Can you look this over for me?” This deft maneuver will allow the white person to feel as though his or her liberal arts degree has a purpose and allow you to do something more interesting. (I would be offended, but I'm a professional editor.)

Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread. (True statement.)